Chapter 13

After the evening meal was eaten, Mary helped Miriam clean the simple earthenware. Miriam motioned for Mary to sit on the floor while Miriam sat on the mat behind her with a brush in hand. “Sit, let me see what I can do with your hair.” The gentle brushing of Mary’s hair brought back sweet memories of her mother doing the same. “Continue on with your story.” Miriam said after a few minutes.
“Because I didn’t grow up paying any attention to the ways of the jewish people, I dismissed things I had heard and seen over the years. Teachers of the jewish law were prevelent in our region and so called prophets would come and go just as the seasons would. You would hear of someone new going around preaching a message of peace while a secret revolt towards the government was being planned. Or some new prophet would arise with words that tickled the ears of the hearers while he emptied their pockets. But this message that Jesus had, it was different. A new rule, a new government was talked about and anticipated by many jews. But an earthly kingdom of kindness. Was it what everyone had thought it to be? Peter had a lot of fight in him and he and everyone else liked the healings, miracles and the confrontations with the Pharasees, but did we like the love too. When was the big fight? Where and how would the freedom come about? We all missed that one. Was it hidden from us or did we just not listen. We heard Jesus talk of stones being turned one upon another and then there were words of giving generously of your time, your love, your possessions and even your own life. Excitement was all around us. What we didn’t understand, we trusted to be made clear. A teacher, a prophet, a leader of a different kind, a Messiah? Which one was Jesus or was He all of them? And would He be like the teachers before Him. Would His message last. Would it stand the test of time and the government at hand. Was Jesus like so many others, would He tire and give up the freedom fight? The others, did they really want to fight for freedom, or did they want something for themselves. Fame, money. Whatever they had wanted, they didn’t get, because they didn’t perservere in their message. But this message of hope and change from Jesus ushered in a new season. “Be different in how you act, not just on the outside, but on the inside.” The Pharasees had mastered the outward appearances but the inward, where God saw everything, that is where the change begins. Repentence was shouted by John the Baptist. A new life, a new attitude. A new hope was shown by Jesus. The miracles were amazing, but the words of forgiveness and the love of people were where the real excitement held us all. To be physically healed was one thing, but to be made complete, inwardly, to experience hope in freedom from the bound up laws was overwhelming. It was as if our souls were alive for the first time. They had been in a deep trance as we walked through our ordinary days, but when we experienced life with Jesus, our hearts beat steady as if we had been born a new. Our inward souls seemed to leap within us and call out in joyous reaction at the name of Jesus. What our eyes couldn’t see, our hearts did. What our minds couldn’t understand, our souls knew well. And it was as though all of creation around us was trying to break forth in a song that only it knew. Jesus said that the stones would cry out if we didn’t and I believe they would have. The hope of a different world hovered over our seemingly mundane lives and we could not contain our joy in mere words. For me, this was a possession of a different kind. The God kind. And when doubt would try and sneak into my mind, my soul would drive it out. There was no room for anything false in me any longer. This new kingdom was where I wanted to be. And the evenings when we would gather around the fire and sing hyms. There were a few among us that were blessed with beautiful voices but it didn’t matter. We all joined in singing praises to God for His mercy, His provision, His protection and His chosen one, Jesus. There were those who would spill tears of joy as they sang words that reminded them of their heritage. There were some that didn’t sing at all. Maybe they were overwhelmed by the words and couldn’t will their voices to join in with what their heart was feeling, or maybe they didn’t understand yet what other had come to know about who Jesus was. There were a few times when I had to walk away from the voices and find a place alone. My tears were a mixture of sweet and bitter. I would begin to sing and feel as though I were the most beautiful woman in the world, the most adored girl that a father ever had. But no sooner did the joy of belonging to God come, did the accusing voice in my head also come. Bitter words would force themselves into my mind, reminding me of who I was and what I had done in my not so distant past. It was bad enough that there were always rumors circulating about why Jesus would surround himself with women of questionable character. And even within the company of believers, there was a sense of jelousy among some with how much time Jesus would spend with his disciples, individually, or with us women. But what brought the bitter tears to my eyes was that I wanted so much to be pleasing to God and to follow all of what Jesus taught, but I felt like such a failure at times. I had never wanted to hear about God. I laughed at the thought of judgement and I mocked all the holiness of a loving Father. And yet I found myself among the closest friends of Jesus, Son of Man. How did I get here? How did I ever deserve this position? How did any of us? Was it the weight of my past that drove me from the sweetness of praise or was it the condeming voice of Satan trying to bind me again”.
Mary paused, grabbed one of Miriams hands that had been gently brushing her hair, but had stopped with the concentration on Mary’s words. “Oh, Miriam,” Mary turned slightly and looked into Miriams face. “What happened next confirmed any doubt in my mind about who Jesus says He is.”
“ I found a place in the darkness and sat against a tree, purging my tears and trying not to let my doubts take full reign in my mind. I remembered Jesus teaching us how to pray. I recited the words; “Our Father in heaven, reveal who you are. Set the world right; do whats best – as above, so below. Keep us alive with three square meals. Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil. You’re in charge! You can do anything you want! You’re ablaze in beauty! Yes. Yes. Yes”; Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil. I thought about that. I am my worst enemy at times. I can do more damage than the Devil can. I heard a noise behind me and started. It was Jesus. He didn’t say a word. He just sat down next to me and put His arm across my shoulder. My tears began to flow again as I leaned against Him and told Him of my struggle. I can’t put words together to explain those moments I sat being sheltered in the arms of Jesus. But He sang words over me that I had never heard before and in a language I have yet to hear. And I felt the warmth of His tears as they fell from His eyes onto the brow of my forhead. If there were ever drops of love that could be visable or hand felt, that is what was falling onto my head. Drops of love. And all my doubts and fears vanished as I sat and experienced the love of my Savior. He did not remind me of my past nor scold me for my struggles. He loved me right where I was, and when I got up and walked away, I rejoiced because it was then that I realized that I had been with the King of Kings.”